Passing

How one of my best friend’s passing changed me

One of the hardest things I had to deal with in life was the passing of one of my dearest friends a young age. Tomorrow she should be turning 26 and today it’s been 2,5 years since she deceased. It feels like it happened a decade ago but on the other hand it feels like it happened last week. This dark event in my life really changed me as a person. 

I’m at a point in this grieving process where I don’t even want to talk or think about it. Though, I thought it was a good idea to write an article about the passing of my friend and how it changed me. It changed me in a certain way and writing it down forces me to really think about it. 

Out of respect and privacy I won’t post a picture of her. She died a natural cause.

I just turned 24 when she deceased and the last time I saw her was on my birthday. Exactly 2 weeks later I got a call from a friend that she passed away. It was the absolute hardest thing I ever had to deal with and it really took me, over a year to feel like myself again. I thought that nothing would ever be good again and never said ‘good morning or good night’. Still, I find it very hard to say it but I at least can say it sometimes. It felt so unfair that she died such a young age. She was such a good person and changed me in a good way. She taught me that there are actually still good people in the world after being hurt so many times.

Now, 2,5 years later I still haven’t been to her grave and it still hurts. I don’t think I’ve fully processed it as I still can’t even look at her pictures I still have on my phone. My cousin said it takes time, but how long does it take to not feel this hurt anymore? Another person told me that I shouldn’t have to go through this phase of my life. In what phase is it, like, normal? It’s never normal to lose someone so young.

How her passing changed me

This experience really changed me. Before it happened I was carefree. Never had panic attacks. Never really thought of death or the possibility that someone close to me can be passing away. I was always happy, fun and crazy. Now, I have more days where I feel real sad and hurt. I’m trying to be more happy and energetic and I really made some progress. But still I have those days where I feel very very down and have panic attacks. I’m experiencing more anxiety than before this happened. Sometimes, I think I’m dying or I’m having thoughts that someone close to me would. That’s very hard to cope with and it pressures me that I when I want something I want it now because I don’t have any time to lose.

This experience made me even more a loner than I already was. Nobody around me ever had to go through this and I felt like no one would really understand what I’m going through and what I actually feel. Therefore, I’m keeping a lot to myself.

After grieving for months I started to think about my life. What do I want and what friendship was ‘’real’’ and really made me feel better? Who’s got the best intentions with me like she did? So, I decided to cut out some friends where I didn’t get positive energy from anymore.

It also made me more mature than I was. I thought I was grown-up when I moved to Amsterdam on my twentieth. But, when you have to deal with this kind of situation it really makes the process of growing up go much faster. You get more aware of life and it makes you think about the things that really matter. I realize that life can be so short and that I should get the best out of it.

With every decision I make I always think what would she do? Would she be proud of me if I do? She was so supportive of me starting to blog or vlog and I started blogging a year after she deceased.

Did you ever have to go through such a hard experience? How did you deal with it?

‘Till next time!

Xoxo
~ Ashley Sharon

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